So I know I've dropped off the face of the blogosphere for this last while. It's been a rough time for me these last two months. I didn't really recognize it but thankfully my hubby did. There is something wonderful about having someone in your life who loves you despite your moodiness and temper and helps you see what you need to get back to a better place. All the same I needed to understand what was happening.
My mind was put at ease when I spoke to Elias' physical and speech therapists. Apparently it's common that parents with special needs children will often hit a depressive phase when the clamoring of doctor appointments, fighting for services and info overload begins to die down and life settles into a routine. Lorri our PT says its the time where you start processing everything and grieving takes place. I jokingly asked her if she got paid extra for counseling services!
To be honest though, it bothered me to her her say that. I guess I felt that if I was grieving about having Elias than somehow it lessened my love for him. His laughter, hugs and kisses warm my heart like no one else. I love how he moves his face in front of me to gaze intently in order capture my attention and how his half moon eyes crinkle in delight when I finally really 'look' back at him. But if I were to be totally honest, life had changed and things are harder. It's hard that his attachment is so strong to me that he has yet to let the babysitter feed him his dinner (thankfully he finally caved in to her giving I'm the bottle). Yes, I am the one he laughed to first, the first to give a smile to, but it is also me that he prefers and there is always the Mommy guilt to battle when I need or want to be elsewhere. His need is so intense that sometimes it feels so heavy I fear I cannot carry it.
But if you ask if I would trade him for the ease of life before, I think it would tear my heart apart. It's a strange place to be to feel such opposing emotions all at once - motherhood intensified.
So my husband gave me a five day sabbatical to visit an old roommate in Maryland. I am sitting in the airport, headphones in listening to Adele instead of insistent chants of Mama, contently blogging. I feel lightened and a little sad not to have those warm little bodies nearby to snuggle. It'll be good for me and for the whole family - I remind myself of this. Elias needs to know that life will be fine without me and I need to know that I am not the battery that keeps the family running. I am me, and that's just fine! Here's to family, growth and journeys!