As some of you may have noticed I'm rather behind on posting this month. Usually I've gotten out 4-5 post by now about the kids and our latest goings-on but I've been in a bit of a funk. I had a miscarriage almost 4 weeks ago and I can't decide if I'm blue or it's just the hormone roller coaster that us women are so prone to.
In reality this was the 'best' miscarriage we've ever had. The other 2 were before Isaac was born and consisted of unstoppable bleeding, rushing into the ER losing all dignity as I gush (physically and emotionally) in public. I was also 3 months along and for whatever reason, the fetus had stopped growing weeks before, but the placenta was proceeding as on schedule. The first time I managed to get myself in a bathroom with a confused toilet. The thing would flush when I sat on it, hence drenching me with all sorts of fluids (what the heck, I'm wet already!) and not do a dang thing when I got up no matter how hard we pushed on the lever. I ended up screaming for Kent to come in since I was too dizzy to safely stand on my on, where he unceremoniously dragged me onto the first available wheelchair. (apparently it was a busy night when we went - or perhaps it's always busy when we seem to go?)Surgeries were required and in one case, I hemorrhaged a few days after, resulting in me being the 'whitest' I've ever been in my life. It took a year to get my hemoglobin levels back up to normal level for us to try again.
This one was a piece of cake in comparison. I was only a few weeks along (3 to be precise) and while the cramping was a little worse, it was a typical cycle. I've tried to understand why it is that it seems so hard to move on and all I think of is that in part because I have nothing to mourn the loss of. Loss in all its many forms is always difficult, but it seems harder when it's not publicly acknowledged. I remember feeling very lonely through the process because i had no one whom I could confide in. (only our bishop and relief society president knew because of the hospital visits)
So I'm taking a page out of my book of hard earned wisdom and simply mentioning it on my blog. If there's anything I've learned these few years is that we're not meant to be alone - God never intended it that way. Comfort comes through sharing burdens and in sharing we're often surprised by what healing can come as well as how much we are not alone. (Can you hear me saying this like a mantra as I hesitate in pushing the publish post button - ever the so private individual!) So forgive me if I've just 'blahhed' too much for you, but it's my cheap form of therapy!