Insufficient

Being a parent is a precarious sort of occupation because you never know exactly where you stand. Some days you find yourself the idol of you child - the best comedian (EVERYTHING you do is funny), a superhero (what can't Mom do?), a guru (a sage in all things of life and play) and a most of all, the warmest and most comforting living security blanket! When little ones hit the bumps and bruises of life, it's their Mama they want and something magical occurs when you simply hold them and love them. It gives you a heady high that you really can do all for your kid. Then the next day, for no reason at all (other than existing) you can't do anything right, you know nothing and everything you do makes the child cry. (compound this by 10x when they become a teenager) But the one thing that reassures me my place with the child is when I can still hold them and love away the little pains of life - and then I can't. If there's anything that is sure about being a parent is how insufficient we are, I had just such an experience the other night.

Isaac had been sick and like a typical 2 year old, he covers his mouth AFTER he coughs. It was inevitable that Keila would get it. I kept a close eye on her low grade fever, ran a humidifier and fed her more frequently to keep up her fluids. At night we'd dose her with Tylenol so she'd sleep better and give her body a break from the fever. A few days later she woke up at her nap running at 103. The Tylenol did nothing to break it and worst of all, her eyes began rolling to the back of her head. I rushed her into the Pediatric Urgent Care where we got in right away. Because she is so young, they ran the gamut of test, drew blood, tried to insert a catheter to test urine and swabbed any opening with fluid to identify what it could be. Thank heavens she tested negative for RSV (unlike the poor mother in the next room) as well as pneumonia and influenza. In the end they simply injected an antibiotic into her thigh that stings for a day or two.

Normally Keila is so good-natured and laid back, but she screamed and cried so hard and for so long that she lost her voice. For those 4 hours my heart broke as I rocked, and sang and held and kissed. It was not enough. And wouldn't you know it, just the night before we watched a movie where the child had leukemia. I can't begin to imagine what parents go through when they have a child that has a disease that results in more painful procedures. I felt so insufficient.

A mixed blessing resulted from all of this in that we discovered she has a vaginal adhesion making UTIs and other infections more possible unless surgery is done to open the area more. While it's not a huge surgery, it's causes me enough anxiety to know that she has to go under anesthesia let alone be cut in any way.

As a mother, I'd much rather I bear the pain than to see her in any pain, but it just isn't the way life is. Life presents more that the tiny trips and falls that Isaac blunders into lately. Sooner or later there will be teasing, bullying, failures and physical pains that Mama cannot make better. My hugs and kisses will be nothing more than band aids.

But someone once told me that children are more resilient than we think, sometimes more so than their parents. Even so, I just wish that her first year of life could be surgery free.

Here's my sweetie Valentine girl.