Thursday, January 28, 2010


Being a parent is a precarious sort of occupation because you never know exactly where you stand. Some days you find yourself the idol of you child - the best comedian (EVERYTHING you do is funny), a superhero (what can't Mom do?), a guru (a sage in all things of life and play) and a most of all, the warmest and most comforting living security blanket! When little ones hit the bumps and bruises of life, it's their Mama they want and something magical occurs when you simply hold them and love them. It gives you a heady high that you really can do all for your kid. Then the next day, for no reason at all (other than existing) you can't do anything right, you know nothing and everything you do makes the child cry. (compound this by 10x when they become a teenager) But the one thing that reassures me my place with the child is when I can still hold them and love away the little pains of life - and then I can't. If there's anything that is sure about being a parent is how insufficient we are, I had just such an experience the other night.

Isaac had been sick and like a typical 2 year old, he covers his mouth AFTER he coughs. It was inevitable that Keila would get it. I kept a close eye on her low grade fever, ran a humidifier and fed her more frequently to keep up her fluids. At night we'd dose her with Tylenol so she'd sleep better and give her body a break from the fever. A few days later she woke up at her nap running at 103. The Tylenol did nothing to break it and worst of all, her eyes began rolling to the back of her head. I rushed her into the Pediatric Urgent Care where we got in right away. Because she is so young, they ran the gamut of test, drew blood, tried to insert a catheter to test urine and swabbed any opening with fluid to identify what it could be. Thank heavens she tested negative for RSV (unlike the poor mother in the next room) as well as pneumonia and influenza. In the end they simply injected an antibiotic into her thigh that stings for a day or two.

Normally Keila is so good-natured and laid back, but she screamed and cried so hard and for so long that she lost her voice. For those 4 hours my heart broke as I rocked, and sang and held and kissed. It was not enough. And wouldn't you know it, just the night before we watched a movie where the child had leukemia. I can't begin to imagine what parents go through when they have a child that has a disease that results in more painful procedures. I felt so insufficient.

A mixed blessing resulted from all of this in that we discovered she has a vaginal adhesion making UTIs and other infections more possible unless surgery is done to open the area more. While it's not a huge surgery, it's causes me enough anxiety to know that she has to go under anesthesia let alone be cut in any way.

As a mother, I'd much rather I bear the pain than to see her in any pain, but it just isn't the way life is. Life presents more that the tiny trips and falls that Isaac blunders into lately. Sooner or later there will be teasing, bullying, failures and physical pains that Mama cannot make better. My hugs and kisses will be nothing more than band aids.

But someone once told me that children are more resilient than we think, sometimes more so than their parents. Even so, I just wish that her first year of life could be surgery free.

Here's my sweetie Valentine girl.


  1. I am so sorry! It's so scary when your kids are sick and then to find out she needs surgery is crappy! I had a friend who's little girl had the same problem and they gave her hormone cream to open things up. I wonder if this would work for your little one or it's just a more severe case? Anyway, good luck and stay strong and everything will be fine :)

  2. I'm sorry to hear that. I can empathize. Taryn had a large hemangioma on her lower eye when she was a baby. It would bleed and bleed and grow bigger as the days passed. No medicine took it away. She had a surgery and I was very nervous about the anesthesia and possibility of complications - that's your precious baby. When it was all over there was relief and a huge feeling of "that was the right thing to do". I know it will be that way for Keila as well. Let us know when the surgery is scheduled. We will remember you all in our prayers.

  3. I understand completely. J's surgery was considered minor outpatient, but, as a parent, I think you worry to the maximum capacity, no matter how "minor" or "major" any sort of health issue or procedure may be.
    I agree that the anesthesia was scarier than the impending surgery-- the risks just seemed higher. But it's an essential part, so we prayed a ton, of course, and D gave our little boy a Priesthood blessing and we felt much more at peace with going forward. Something that helped quell my fears quite a bit was the opportunity to visit with the pediatric anesthesiologist before the surgery and ask all my questions and get a much more detailed picture of what was going to happen. If the doctor doesn't come to see you before the surgery, I suggest requesting to see him/her so you can feel confident about every procedure that will be performed. There is never too many questions or any silly question when it concerns your little one!
    We'll add our prayers in Keila's (and your!) behalf, too.
    Feel free to call me anytime-- it's a comfort to talk with someone who's been in a similar place and come out successfully. :) I'd love to chat.

  4. OH poor baby... That stinks all the way around...Addy has had to go under anesthetics twice now and each time her daddy gave her a blessing and each time she came through just fine! It is NOT fun though because I am the biggest worry wort and feel the same way, I wish it was me and not her...Good Luck, I am positive everything will go smoothly, hang in there though Stress and thoughts sometimes get the better of us, just take it one day at a time and then leave it with the Lord!

  5. My heart is with you. And I can tell you that- having experienced the surgery as an adult who was fully aware of her mother's presence, worry, and love - you bring great power and comfort, no matter how insufficient you may feel.

  6. I am so grateful to read your posting -- you have always been very inspiring to me and I have always admired your inner strength. so I indeed was quite surprised to see the title here, but after I finished -- I can totally relate!
    we will pray for little Keila too -- She is such a beautiful baby!
    Xinlan got her first gingivostomatitis a few weeks ago. She happened to have a very bad case of it, where the lesions were all over her mouth: gums, lips (inside and outside) -- putting medicine was the worst experience -- she cried, screamed, fought, and begged us not to put medicine in her mouth -- what you described was exactly how I felt -- dirk and I both cried and felt so very "insufficient"!
    I am grateful to say that our Heavenly Father is so very "sufficient", Xinlan is completely well and she is so happy and even asks us to put medicine in her mouth so she can get a big reward for it ;-) I am sure Keila will be all well very soon! I pray that angels will be around you to strengthen you and Kent! and your little precious one!
    Love you guys!